I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
So, how was the dinner
Just like the ex wife, cold, fatty, and expensive.
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Its okay. I just know how you can text with your hands cuffed behind you back, so I had no idea what "oh shit" meant.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Randomize
