Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
yeah, he just sent me a picture of himself with his shirt off.... It didnt turn me on, it just made me want to buy him a big mac....
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
my last clear memory of the night was being offered a shot but having so much alcohol in my hands that someone literally had to pour it in my mouth for me. after that it pretty much skips to waking up face down and shirtless on my floor.
I feel like if anyone knew what an affection erection looked like it would be you
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I think you're my feminist conscience sometimes.
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
you tried to fight the cop who was busting the party, you said you had a constitutional right to do a keg stand...
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