The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.
I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
Yes, you can 69 in a fiat. But I think I have permanent nerve damage
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
he told me i could have the honorable privilege of being the second girl to have sex with him in his new apartment, what a gentleman.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
I just washed my birth control down with captain because I don't have any water and I need to wash the blood off my face before I leave my room.....
Remember when I said I had my shit together?
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
Also I know now I was meant to be a comedian. Had both arresting officers laughing.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
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