something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
And I can feel feelings now and they hurt
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
He texted "fuck you" before blocking me on all social media. Come to think of it, that's also the last thing my mother said to me. Could it be that I'm the problem?
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
I wish period tracker had a "on this day" also so i can see who i was with this day last year.
The drive thru lady at McDonald's asked how I was and I responded by opening the car door and throwing up all over the drive thru lane. Happy Sunday.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
