Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
You don't give head? I'm offended and I don't even have a cock...
There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
We could have a classy candlelight sonic dinner with fireball cocktails if you leave now. Twat tickler centerpieces.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
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