he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
And he just showed me his vera bradley wallet...
Oh no, it isn't official until she poops.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
Doing a walk of shame at Wal-Mart at 3:30am because when I left at 11pm I was getting milk
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I woke up under the stretchy sheet like the corners were still stuck under the bed. I had to wiggle the corners off in order to get up. I was trapped. how did that happen
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
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