guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me
Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.
Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
weekly advice from mom, "Drink vodka, it las hess calories"
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Hey buddy, turns out those were the PB&shroomwiches, soooo you may want to reconsider dinner with your girlfriends family tonight...
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Don't drink and try to take a shower. I thought I was drowning
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
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