I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
And dont forget my 23rd birthday where with no underwear i crawled through the cage of the police car. Dont get drunk be fore you get drunk.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I feel like my life just hangs in the balance of "Yeah I'm probably not doing this right"
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
Randomize
