I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
We had to go visit his dealer in the hospital to buy some weed.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
We laughed. We cried. We came everywhere.
I'm beer bonging chocolate fondue. That's how my Valentines Day is going.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
The only alcohol at my aunts was mikes hard so I drank 9 of them and puked in the master bath
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
