It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
He went all Bachlorette on me.. "I just want to guard and protect your heart" bullshit
I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.
I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.
Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.
Somehow it went from suicide to pierced nipples. I think we're good.
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
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