she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
The thing is you're all "holy crap this isn't nearly as bad as I thought pissing on my own face would be."
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I'm putting my hangover kit in my car for the trip to work tomorrow morning. Dedication
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
You cried for a while then lifted lots of weights then cady's ex put glitter on your tits and then you took a nap. I got you pizza and brought you home. Nothing too exciting.
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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