I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
No. No. And hell no. If you are driving a Honda Fit you are not allowed to give me a dirty look. No.
After she cried and passed out at four in the morning, I had a very lovely, very drunken conversation with her mother while decorating a cake into the shape of a penis.
He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
Just accidentally walked into a parade for Jesus
Preface: Im drunk. But i think id make a good assasin. That is all.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
Randomize
