wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
Shark Week may as well be Shark Weed.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I feel like I'm back in highscool trying to hide my erections at work
The chance that I have herpes may have made me find god
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I saw the president of my women in business club at the bar last night...I was gonna thank her for teaching me the business skills to create my own fake to get in... then i decided not
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Randomize
