your thong is hanging out like whoa
If immigrants and dwarves find love, why can't I?
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
Getting blown during the Cavs game doesn't make it any less depressing.
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
You told me you would ride a pig into the night sky screaming, "I wear my sunglasses at night"
He said he was walking down to the White Castle for sliders, still drinking straight from a 750. He came back two hours later pushing a grocery cart that had two puppies in it.
The puppies promptly had the squirts all over the living room, as he had fed them the sliders.
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
Almost lost a vagina lip in the great shave of '16
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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