ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Is there a particular reason why everyone is now calling you Butt Doctor?
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
I fell asleep in the bathroom during my mothers dinner party with no pants on. Her friend walked In. I was told to not come back.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
I cuddled with a man named Pickles
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
We walked around last night for hours saying nothing but nom nom nom and barking at each other.
Wakes up in a cold sweat at 3am, 136 unread messages and the preview on the notification is "I JUST GOT TO THE INCEST PART"
Randomize
