I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Just heard the girl at the bar cuss her bf out and order a long island ice tea. Going to give it 5 min then I'm going in. See you on the other side.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
Wesley I'm sober and my body hurts. There wasn't much trust in any of those falls.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
On the shuttle bus from the Casino the driver refused to take us to the strip club so you said "let me off this bus or ill puke on you".
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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