he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I need to puke. I need a shower. I need rehab. I need to detox and puke. I feel like demons are inside of me.
Old men love us. For they have fine taste and disturbing minds.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
Honestly I have a huge freedom boner right now and if I came it would be red white and blue
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Randomize
