Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
Fuck you, you can't judge me til you've smelt my boobs.
I'm to the point where I'm fantasizing about Iron Chefs going down on me.
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
That makes sense.. A good Bj is a trump card in any argument
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
While strippers were eating ones out of my boobs, several sources claimed trump shared classified info with the russians. We should get hammered on Mondays more often, bitch.
Randomize
