she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
idk if ive ever seen a picture of him on facebook with his pants on
You just got cockblocked by Conan O'Brien.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
You know, I think when I have a lot of free time, thats when I pick up odd lovers. Maybe keeping busy is key to not using my vagina
She invited us over for cocaine and donuts
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
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