at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
I just Organized my jello shots by their colors in my mini fridge for the rest of the week. I'm going places in life.
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I'm at this kids house trying to figure out if I pissed in his kitchen new years eve. Lmao, stop letting me drink.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Yeah I'm at work. Nothing like the threat of blowing chunks on passing cars to make you feel alive.
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
I spent all the money my grandpa gave me for Christmas last night….solid start to 2015
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
Sooo, did you delete me cause I said I wouldn't babysit you while you did shrooms? You're a grown man.
Randomize
