Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
styled my pubes into a mustache as a surprise. Thought you should know
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
On the plus side, I know I'm allergic to latex now. Like really fucking allergic
I left my panties in the microwave for too long and they caught on fire
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i don't care if you are my best friend. does not give you the right to describe how well my sister gives blowjobs.
how about your cousin?
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