seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
NEVER PUT A LIT CIGARETTE BEHIND YOUR EAR
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
It's all fun and games until your AARP eligible neighbors end up blacking out in your yard at 5pm with a box of franzia. I'm feeling a great year ahead
Thanks for letting me pee on your bed and cry about nothing to you. You're a real friend
Refresh my memory....were we forced to leave or did we choose to leave?
I would like to reiterate that I went to give lessons and ended up having a three way instead
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
