I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize