Do you not remember dry humping your dog for 20 minutes at oxfest dude?
There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
remember the good old days of high school when a half gal would last for more than a nite
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
the worst fight me and my gf ever had was over Guy fieri
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
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