see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
He kissed a someone with a penis
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan
Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.
Puke, feathers, beads, and solo cups all on my way to class. I'm surprised anyone's alive after this weekend.
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
Randomize
