1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
well that's the third time this semester that I've projectile vomited walking to class in front of dozens of people
His phone started ringing when we were pulled over and he said 'hold on, this is most likely more important than you', proceeded to answer it and agree to work sunday, then hung up, looked at the cop and told him to continue.
Did you wake up next to Karina?
So that's her name
DIBS on your mom for my beer pong partner.
I just realized that this is the first time I've ever seen your mom without sucking your cock.
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
Randomize
