Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
you know whats weird about having a girlfriend....I look forward to masturbating now....sort of like quality me time.
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
We literaly had to peel your fingers off the jose cuervo bottle and lock it in someones room
We told our cab driver we'd give him 3 grand if he pit maneuvered you guys in your cab.
Just traded the drive-through guy at BK a Dos Equis for a Hershey pie before noon... win?
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
We were drunk waiting for tacos and I gave him a handy in the back of the Uber while giving the driver relationship advice. I think I'm handling the whole grad school thing alright.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
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