So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
That white girl was surprised to see orange pubes around my black cock. Happy Halloween!
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I don't know what I wash first. My body or my puke painted car. People are judging me as I drive by.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
My neighbors are white girl rapping to Hamilton again...
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
All I want to do is lay in my bed and eat hotdogs
Randomize
