i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
If Curt Schilling could pitch a game with that blood-filled sock... if Tiger Woods won the 2008 US Open with a torn ligament, then I'd be an embarrassment to the human race if I couldn't manage to at least jerk him off even if I was still crying after he put it in my butt.
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Naptime over. I've got fresh contacts and tequila. RAAAAAAGE!
He was calculating the number of ceiling tiles when I was on top it was fucking rain man.
Randomize
