that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Your boyfriend and I are bonding over your giant dick.
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
