Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
I mean I'm into guys with money but more into guys I'm actually attracted to
yeah i guess i'd rather he was hot than rich
wow i don't know if that qualifies as growing up but if it does i'm all in
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
I was told that I need a reference for my blow job skills. Be expecting a phone call tomorrow.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
I hate waking up to a room that reeks of bad decisions...
Turns out tits aren't quite as effective an enticement when they know for a fact that they can't touch.
Randomize
