I'm not crazy, I only keep calling you cause you won't pick up.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.
She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
For real, I've been ditched by my boyfriend twice today alone. I fucking shaved for this guy.
Somewhere out there, Gloria Steinem just started to cry.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
It's Friday the 13th and you just got boned by a guy named Jason....
Being the hot sister definately has advantages, I'm pretty sure I ruined her engagement
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
It would be weird sobbing cry sex.
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
I think the God that I only kind of believe in, definitely hates me.
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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