chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.
you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
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