Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
Oh my goodness please please please my inner slut needs some pampering, shes getting rusty and nothings worse than a rusty slut
I think mark twain said that originally
This is not my bathroom and these are not my pants
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
You had blacked out Skype sex? Wow we live in the future
Randomize
