I saw your purple underwear in the road this morning.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
The best, and by the best I mean the worst, was the 7 month along pregnant chick in the skin tight body suit.
That bitch makes my crazy look like a walk in the park with cotton candy
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I think anything that happens between 12 and 2 am is just sketchy enough to be a good idea.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
