I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
She insisted on cleaning her room in the dark. 5 minutes in, she forgot what she was doing and started putting shirts on instead of hanging them up.
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Your stories are the best. I feel like you're a spy among the heteros. It's not fair.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
note: just because the casino is called bourbon street, it doesn't mean you can puke and keep walking and no one will care. chalk me up for another 86
I just heard your voicemail. Glad you like my dick and think I'm cool
You caught me at a bad time. I'm stoned enough that I'm ready to sleep but also not stoned enough that I wanna smoke again but also stoned enough to not wanna drive anywhere
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
Randomize
