hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good
who is this?
jesse's little brother
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.
ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
I just delete my bank app from my phone to have enough storage to download tindr. Is this my life now?
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
