I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
the taxi driver actually pulled over to let us moon a house full of people
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
it's ok my mom asked me why i had a guys shirt on and also why there was chocolate all over my bra
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
It's Saturday night and I'm getting shitfaced alone while reading Dino porn. Wassssuuuupppp
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Oh yeah, it was definitely the best sex of my life, I just don't think I can fix the kitchen table before my parents get back...
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