apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever
Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.
New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
who are you talking about my vagina to?!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
That sounds good. I'd totally blow you somewhere quick but im not in the frame of mind to think of a place
Be outside in 5
Randomize
