I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
she had a my little ponys comforter. i left when she went to the bathroom
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
do you remember yelling at the waitress that you were a power bottom?
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
I found my phone outside under the leaves by the curb. What the fuck did I do last night
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
She's comparing the feel of breasts to shredded cabbage. Weirdest. Grandmother. Ever.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
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