we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them
I've seriously contemplated telling him the baby isn't his just so I can meet Maury Povich
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Not to play devil's advocate, but, considering how our species has evolved so far... I'm kinda rooting for the sun on the whole heat death thing.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
we went to go have morning sex and I said “I was gonna put my mouth on it but you need to shower”#ruinedthemoment
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