Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
we've started having sober sex
you really do like him
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
Hey do you eat chocolate chip pancakes with bacon in?
DO NOT MAIL ME A PANCAKE
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Do the security cameras outside your house capture sound? If so your whole family is going to hear me describe my threesome
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
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