then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
how am i supposed to spank it to a shakira video when she looks like she is doing the robot?
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid
Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
Guess whose grandma smokes weed?
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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