You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I should start wearing my Batman shirt more often when I drink. Good things happen. All sorts of shit.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
So my ex vomited in front of my door and passed out there
Do you remember last night?
Just that I fell down a hill with my penis out and the emt talked to me.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
Randomize
