I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I almost drank vegetable oil. Where were you? I needed you.
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
