when I'm not with you everything just looks like crayon scribble
using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
At least your road beer policy is responsible. Well, relatively speaking.
I don't even care that it's before church. I feel like God actually wants me to have this shower beer.
We were trying to organize all the customers to hold a window pickle race. as of 10:37 pm last night we are no longer allowed in our McDonalds.
Randomize
