new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
There is no way I am paying you $5 apiece for pot brownies you found behind a dumpster. $2, maybe.
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
Uh oh we had sex and I don't think I like him anymore help
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize