What started out as a threesome has become me sitting here watching them have sex... Can I get a ride home?
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
All I've done this weekend is cum and drink. I think it's safe to say I'm dehydrated.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Just did body shot off a midget. Pretty good start.
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
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