i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.
When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Apparently my downstairs neighbors don't much appreciate it when I do drunk aerobics at 3am on a Wednesday...
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Google imaged your anal issues. Seems fuckable still.
I literally just told you I found out I masturbate in my sleep. I think we can be snapchat friends again
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