Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
They should make eskimo sister bracelets. OMG WE NEED BRACELETS WITH IGLOOS ON THEM.
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
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