I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
I knew it would get worse when I said I think your roommate is watching and he looked over at him and said ... So?
Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles
Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.
You called me a pussy and continued to eat an entire jar of peanut butter with only your hand.
Your feet probs hurt bc the cab driver kicked us out a mile from home after you wouldn't stop screaming "prohibition can suck my dick"
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I can't open my mouth wide enough to make full use of this snapchate update
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
Randomize
