I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I think curling is the best thing to watch when you're baked.
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
we started drinking at 4pm, somehows its 1 am im in bathing suit running from the cops.....any explanation of what happened?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
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