I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize
