My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Randomize
