Your mouth is God's brothel.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
you're hired as official boob wrangler
your penis is a great and majestic leader among the penises.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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