Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.
I don't miss having sex with him. We had our finale fuck last week. He's all yours now.
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Nothing quite like walking through a spider web on your way back in from smoking to fuck up a perfectly good high.
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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