I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
Pulling over on the side of the road to set off fireworks was the worst idea you have ever had. I don't care if it was called a friendship pagoda.
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
He took initiative. Dragged me into the kitchen and did me on the stove....while it was on! And then we made nachos.
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
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