between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
She interrupted us having sex in the tent by threatening to kill us if we "got cum on the lasanga."
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
we had a full conversation and he only brought up drugs twice. overall I'd call it a success
I hope you get a lego stuck in your dickhole
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
I had to try on three different bathing suits to hide my boob hickies
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
She was going down on me before I had a chance to tell her I arrested her brother 3 hours earlier
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
