I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
all we ever talk about is how much i like your dick or my drug problem.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
I'm laying here in fetal position. I feel like a traffic cone
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I either have a razor blade lodged in my throat or I've been drinking entirely too much Evan Williams.
There is a huge naked guy in the kitchen with the boner of a lifetime and what I believe is an assault rifle casually resting on his shoulder.
yeah i ran into him at the bar at 11pm. he started talking about engineering and the next thing i know it's 4am and i'm naked on top of him.
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
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