Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
My lower body still feels like its been through a garbage disposal and a trash compactor. In that order.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I am coping with the snow storm with beer and shots of jack. If I were outside in shorts I might be able to pass as a Canadian.
We should go, because after those margaritas time is running out on my sobriety clock.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
He got you flowers. How bad can the sex really be?
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
