I literally made his dick bleed. How the fuck do you think it went?
Corey Haim died. 80's me is so sad
on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.
your optimism is becoming unhealthy
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
