If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.
note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I remember telling you it was cold out because the sun was going to explode and people were going to fight for corn. I feel I've mislead you.
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I dunno what he did but it both burns and feels amazing to pee
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
It's like they're playing jeopardy and the category is "things that make women dry."
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
