I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
She says the reason I don't talk to her is because I'm "emotionally lazy" what ever that means
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
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